on campus characters

an objective ranking | 8/23/24 | 10 min

walking around UCLA for the past three years, I've started to notice a lot of reoccuring characters around campus. people who like to hang out at the same places, at the same times, doing the same things. they say humans are creatures of habit. it's probably true. there are some characters that are so in your face that they're kinda hard to miss. some that are more subtle. all of them contribute to a sense of community on campus that I absolutely love.

whenever I spot one of them I feel a slight sense of pride, as if I'm uncovering an easter egg. I get that they're just people, but they represent something more to me. they're a huge part of why I love UCLA so much.

so naturally I have some favorites. what follows is the definitive ranking of UCLA's campus characters.

quick note: I've chosen to omit any UCLA staff from this list, because I feel like that would make things too easy and just kinda boring overall.

10. bible quote guy

If you're living in the neighborhood off the hill (think Gayley, Landfair, Kelton, etc.), there's a good chance you've seen this guy's truck. it's a rusty, beaten up white truck with a giant plank of wood resting in the bed with what seem to be bible quotes spray painted in white on it.

I could not tell you what the guy's hoping to accomplish with this, but he is definitely committed. I started seeing him during my sophomore year and I still see him around to this day. actually, let me clarify: I've never seen him before. only his truck. but that's more than enough for me. I give him the last place position because it's a bit unnerving.

9. political yoga group

I love the sculpture garden at UCLA. I go there nearly every day. so naturally I've started to notice some regulars. one such group gets together once a week to do yoga together.

one day as I was walking by them I overheard their conversation and they seemed to be discussing politics?? like during their yoga. in between downward dog and plank one lady gave her thoughts on gun control and between pigeon pose and warrior three some other dude gave his thoughts on affirmative action. which is great. we love people who are politically active. and yoga is great too. but like… to me it just doesn't seem like they mix very well?

aside: literally as I was writing this another character I've seen around sculpture garden approached me: a woman who dresses in black pants, a black blouse and suit jacket, a black cowboy hat, black shades, and a black, leather cigarette holster. she told me about her love of democracy and her worry that it's at risk and her various ideas to save it and she seemed to have a fixation on Richard Branson. she very politely asked me if she could smoke a cigarette before pulling one out of her holster and lighting it. she also mentioned she had sciatic nerve pain. at the end of our conversation, she mentioned she has been depressed lately. she was great. super nice and thoughtful. I hope she feels better.

anyways, yeah I give political yoga group ninth place.

8. andre

also known as "Hey Boss Can I Ask You a Question?" Guy, he is potentially the most well known of all the UCLA characters. and honestly it is well earned. he puts in the time. every school day morning at Bruin Plaza, he asks hundreds of busy students if he can ask them a question. he gets rejected a sizeable portion of those times, with many not even acknowledging his existence, and yet he continues on. I respect that.

my preferred way to deal with him is to say "remember me?" and then he immediately goes super friendly and shakes my hand (and definitely does not remember me) and asks me if I want to donate and I say "maybe next time" and walk away. ocassionally he'll ask me if he can film a video for his instagram. to this day I still don't know what he's collecting donations for. maybe I should ask him. I appreciate he has a cause he's passionate about. whatever that cause is.

some people think he's sketchy. I don't think so. he seems like a decent guy. and I'm not just saying that because I made his instagram. I give him eighth place.

7. socialism guy

socialism guy is a pretty normal looking white dude who ocassionally sets up a sign at a table that says "let's talk about socialism." to be honest I've never talked to him, mainly because most of the time when I see him I'm not feeling very social. I don't have much to say about socialism guy. he seems chill. sometimes I see him outside of his table and it feels like I am seeing my elementary school teacher at the grocery store. I give him seventh.

6. skateboard doordash lady

ok this one is probably not very well known but hear me out: probably the best aura of any UCLA character. I see her whenever I go to Cava or Chipotle or any of the Broxton food places. she's a middle aged woman who wears bright colored knee pads and skates around westwood deliving for doordash. how fucking cool is that. I wanna be her. unfortunately I cannot base rankings on aura alone. I give her sixth.

5. newspaper guy

you probably have seen newspaper guy if you're a student here. he usually sits near Pauley with his newspaper. ocassionally he'll have some huskies on a leash. he wears a cool looking bowl hat and dresses very well. he sits in a wheelchair. the vibe is little odd though. especially because sometimes he'll have some tough looking dude pushing him around on the wheelchair. it seems to be different dudes everytime. not sure what's going on there. not really my business I guess.

I also heard that he used to use his huskies to hit on girls?? but I have no way of verifying if this is true. it might just be a silly rumor. it sounds kinda silly. if I find that to be true I'll bump him down, but for now I'll give him fifth. mainly because he is so subtle and prominent at the same time and I admire that.

4. college decisions youtuber

ok this one is definitely specific to me. but before I came to UCLA I saw a youtube video of a girl reacting to all her college admissions. well I saw a bunch of them actually but this one in particular stood out. I think her name was Marley or something. I can't really remember if I'm being honest. but anyways.

I see her everywhere on campus. like fairly often. I've debated approaching her and saying I enjoy her videos. but I never have. she also came up in my hinge feed once. we did not match.

I give Marley fourth.

3. aloof sculpture garden dogs

I go to sculpture garden a lot. but definitely not as often as the aloof sculpture garden dogs. they're a pair of what I think are cocker spaniels (?) who walk around without a leash and approach random strangers, ocassionally letting someone pet them. their owner sits nearby off in her own world on her laptop. probably answering emails or something.

the dogs are great. I say they're aloof because they do this thing where they walk directly past me and do not acknowledge me and it is upsetting. let me pet you please. until then you get third.

note: a brief honourable mention on a similar note are the elderly man and his elderly wife who walk their elderly dog named Navajo. one day the man asked me for directions to Anderson, and then proceeded to not go to Anderson.

2. powell cat

there cannot be a UCLA character ranking without a mention of Powell Cat. the icon. the legend. I only saw Powell Cat in person a few times. they were a tuxedo cat that hung out around Kaufman Hall. I remember some days there was a line formed to pet them. so much love for Powell Cat. they were quite chunky.

I still remember the day they passed away. I was genuinely in disbelief. I got a text from a groupchat with my roommate and three friends and shortly after got a text from another groupchat with my ex girlfriend and the same three friends. two different group chats with four of the same people. and several other texts sprinkled here and there. I didn't want to believe it at first. but it was true. Powell Cat was gone.

all we can do now is keep their memory alive. I've heard there's a movement to get a Powell Cat statue placed outside Kaufman. I love that idea. for now, the Powell Cat sticker on my water bottle will have to do. I give Powell Cat a very strong second place.

(honourable mentions)

ok before we get to the ultimate UCLA character, some quick honourable mentions. they unfortunately did not qualify for the main list, because they're not actually recurring characters, but they made such a large impression on me that I had to give them a mention.

microdosing wedding photographers

one day (yet again) I was sitting at sculpture garden eating an 18 oz container of blueberries from Ralphs, contemplating my recent breakup. I wasn't taking it very well. on the way there I had seen a very flashy, "just married" balloon set up near Pauley. nobody was next to it.

as I was eating my berries, a group of five or so came by discussing plans to "capture the moment." a lady was explaining to a guy with a camera that he couldn't be seen, but that he also needed to get a shot right at the moment of proposal. I assume she was a friend of the woman being proposed to and was helping the boyfriend set everything up. as part of it she hired this dude. initially they didn't acknowledge me, even though I was sitting right next to them. the guy kept bringing up the fact that he had never done this before and mostly shot fasion. if the lady heard, she didn't respond.

eventually she left, leaving the photographer to plan where and how he was going to get the shot. the photographer had another dude with him, who I later learned was just a friend that he brought along. the photographer eventually noticed me and starting chatting me up a bit. he asked me how I thought he could get the best shot and complimented my blueberries. I tried to help. I don't have much wedding photography experience.

we talked for a while while we waited for the future fiancees to show up. he told me he did all his best work on shrooms and that he was on them at that very moment. so was his friend. his friend didn't have a camera or anything he was just there for emotional support I guess. he eventually set up behind a hill, and he asked me to watch the couple and text him when the guy got ready to propose. in the mean time he also got some random girl's instagram. she was taking pictures of her friend who had recently graduated.

I watched the whole proposal go down. it was honestly very sweet. even though I was feeling a bit sorry for myself because of recent events, I still could appreciate the beauty of it. and the fact that I played some small part in it. that's pretty cool I think. the boyfriend had set up a nice picnic and made a picture book full of what I assume were funny memories because the girlfriend was laughing a lot. at the end of the book it just said "will you marry me?" and as she flipped to it the guy got out his ring. she said yes.

squirtle guy at denny's

ok I didn't experience this one first hand, but it's too good not to share. same with the next honourable mention. basically my ex-girlfriend went to Denny's late night with some friends and while she was there they met some dude who was dressed in a Squirtle onesie. they were having a great time and talked for a while. the kind of unhinged conversations one has at three am at Denny's with a stranger in a squirtle onesie. eventually, squirtle onesie must have decided he really like my ex and her friends, because he offered them shrooms. which they took. they saved them for later. unfortunately they waited too long to actually do them and they expired. I can confirm.

starbucks iPad man

this one is a bit tragic. my (other) ex used to work at the Starbucks near the fox theater in westwood. pretty cool location. gets a lot of interesting people. according to my ex, there was this very sweet old man that used to hang out at the Starbucks everyday from like 6 am until late afternoon. he never got bored because he had his iPad. I don't know what he did on it. I can't remember his name but I remember it being something really cool like Rufus.

everyone at the starbucks loved Rufus. he didn't bother anyone and he kept to himself and his iPad. except one day some dude came in and stole his iPad. right off his desk. he took Rufus's iPad and walked right out the door. Rufus was so sad. I can't remember if my ex said he cried but I wouldn't be surprised. poor Rufus. I want to give Rufus a hug. and a new iPad.

1. The Ackerman

ok this is the moment you've all been waiting for: my favorite UCLA character is The Ackerman. The Ackerman has it all figured out. he spends every day at Ackerman Union, near the Veggie Grill. he sits at the same table everyday. he carries (I assume) all of his belongings with him. that includes a three legged Chihuaha. he seems extremely content. I aspire to that level of contentedness.

I had a dream about him once. I ran into him somewhere on campus and he and his dog had stunning makeovers. he had bleached tips and his dog's fur was braided and dyed pink. they looked great. we started talking and (according to what I wrote down on May 22nd 2024 at 7:21 AM after waking up) he told me his name was Arriet and his dogs name was Sheephound. I was asking him a lot of questions and he was not answering any of them but he was talking a lot. in the dream I was taking notes on a notepad. I told him I jokingly call him the Ackerman and he thought that was funny. he told me he recognized me too. and that I was something of a character. I woke up after he said that.

I give The Ackerman first place.